I can still remember Christmas time in my childhood. Two weeks before Christmas Eve, my relatives came together for my birthday. My brother and I had already been allowed to decorate the Christmas tree – including the tinsel.
There were candles on the table and the smell of Christmas cookies in the air. My birthday was always the milestone on the way to Christmas. A kind of halfway marker.

We spent Christmas Eve with my grandparents, who lived just two streets away. My grandma had the biggest and most beautiful tree and spent hours decorating it. The tree was so expansive that we had to crawl under it to get the last presents out. It was decorated with bows, little angels and gold baubles and to this day, my grandparents’ trees are among the most beautiful for me.

My grandfather spent the whole day in the kitchen preparing the food. The table was set with fine crockery and heavy crystal glasses. And when everyone was seated at the table, the steaming casserole of salmon in cream sauce was ceremoniously brought in. It was served with boiled potatoes with fresh parsley and even Coca-Cola for us children. As I write about it, I can see it clearly in front of me. My grandparents, full of pride and happiness. I can feel the heavy glass of cold Coke in my hand and smell the food on my plate.
These Christmas days were full of joyful anticipation. They were filled with love, warmth and care for one another. There was heartfelt laughter and heartfelt giving.

The older I got, the more difficult Christmas became for me. The change came slowly but steadily and now the whole of December causes me difficulties. It’s the forced joy that makes it difficult for me. Every face that beams with Merry Christmas wishes feels wrong to me. All the Christmas parties and shopping trips and Christmas markets make me feel uncomfortable. Christmas feels fake and false. The laughter from the heart sounds forced and the gifts from the heart are more likely to be from Amazon – last minute.

To cope with this, I avoid Christmas. I only celebrate my birthday with my favorite people in a tiny circle, there is no Christmas tree and no other Christmas decorations in the house. We don’t visit a Christmas market and there’s no smell of cookies in the air.
However, this avoidance strategy only led to a lot of pent-up emotions and an incredibly guilty conscience towards my children. Because I’m taking this pre-Christmas time away from the three of them.

So I have no choice but to face up to it. And of course, the various breathing techniques that I have learned in the meantime come in handy here. BoxBreathing and Coherence Breath are my absolute favorites and can be practiced in any situation. Whether in hectic traffic, with the umpteenth message from my dear family about dessert or when looking at the long to-do list.

So I breathe while we put fairy lights on the window. I breathe while we hang up the pretty Christmas baubles. And I breathe while we bake cookies and make snowflakes.

And I treat the people around me with love and warmth and try to bring back some of this wonderful childhood memory and pass it on.

Jenni – an elf on its journey

To find out more about Jenni, take a look at her profile in Practitioners Corner