I published this anonymously in 2020, I’m now able to share this as myself.
Today I have spent the day working out how to gracefully exit this life. No food or drink has passed my lips. I know that starvation is a long and drawn-out way to exit, so that is not my graceful plan, it’s just that my throat feels closed and my breath is shallow and often held at the bottom of the exhale, as if I am willing myself to not take the next breath.
And in this disconnected state, I joined my breathwork facilitator training (camera off) as scheduled this evening, not because I wanted to, but because there was a guest speaker I admire greatly. I’m not going to mention his name, because I am probably misquoting him below and that wouldn’t be a fair reflection on him. It’s just that he spoke to my heart. Or maybe in oneness he really did tune in and speak my heart. But of course, I heard what I needed to hear, not necessarily what he said and in my fragile state they could be two very different things, so again anonymity is best!
I have wondered for some time about the concept of ‘doing the work’ and expecting to see the benefits in the map of your life. Work for reward. I suppose it feeds into my mother wound of ‘you don’t get anything without hard work’ ‘worthiness (and love) come from good behaviour’ ‘doing it right’ ‘following the rules’ ‘doing the work’, and yet, I have struggled through the weeds and the brambles of doing the right thing, many times, and the rewards appear limited and the struggle endless. The work to reward ratio unfair.
Deeper than that thought of fairness, the concept itself does not feel right. Work for Reward. From a human perspective if I have it, whatever it is, my daughter is welcome to it … all. So why is ‘the universal law’ so different?
On reflection, it feels exactly like the edge I was on when I walked away from a very indoctrinated and fully lived experience of born-again religion, the deep knowing that it wasn’t right as I saw the bible through the eyes of hierarchy, of patriarchy, of the suppression of humanness. The control – like scales removed from my eyes. But at the same time, I miss the certainty. In the beginning was the word.
Inside I am screaming, please help me, I do not want to throw the ‘spiritual’ baby out with the bathwater, again. There must be a way!
My recent inner guidance, whenever I listen, is simply to trust. Thus the ‘doing’, where I am most comfortable is at an all-time low. Self-work/exploration forms a good proportion of what I do with my days and whilst the big picture dream of my path feels so real to me that I could indeed be in the mystery of pregnancy, creating that dream, it is not possible to financially birth this sizable dream from my current activity. Then in other corners of life where that funding might have come forth, the recent twists and turns render my immediate landscape not only barren but dangerous.
I suppose this could be another wandering the desert moment, this time crying out ‘Gaia, Gaia, why have you forsaken me?’ another open wound, ‘trust of the hierarchy’ ‘greater good’ ‘truth’ but there is a wrongness there too. If wholeness is my intention, then that includes the age of Pisces, and patriarchy and control. That includes work for rewards, service for reward, lack and drought and death. But it also includes receiving and nectar and sweetness and plentiful abundance. How long is the winter? Is summer only on offer if you follow the rules? Where is the point of integrity?
With this unarticulated story resting in my body I listened, or rather I heard these 4 points of wisdom from the guest speaker.
“You can only hold space for people to the depths you are prepared to go in your own grief. As you do the work within yourself, by witnessing and allowing the grace and wisdom of the body to release the armour and then the trauma, you become able and silently transmit that ability to those who are drawn to you. And then as you continue to hear your body speaking, are you prepared to witness, to observe and inquire but not fix – yourself? To allow the wisdom of your body, our ancient ways to do that work for you. Even to leave the armour in place until it is body wise to remove it for healing and witnessing in a graceful way?”
“Can you be humble enough to have the wisdom of an elder, and perhaps not achieve results because the time is not right for you, for your client? Or can you serve greatly with incredible results without recognition? Maybe even without thanks? And should you need these things, can you simply notice that this is self-work you need to address at some point, with grace?”
“Can you be so human, so extremely human in your existence, that you are divine?”
“The white man’s way of ceremony [with plant medicine] is to use it for a result, a goal, or intention, even if that goal is simply an experience. The primary ceremony is life. Can you live life as a sacred ceremony, as opposed to practicing ceremony for a while?”
Can I live life as a ceremony?
Wanting to the leave this world is not a new thing for me, I won’t say it’s a daily battle, but it is ever present. As is the drive or knowing that there is more to life than I am currently experiencing. What is new though is the knowledge that I can no longer go back. I can’t return to the society or parental prescribed normal as I have previously done. Pushing my exploration of spirituality until I break it, then jumping back into the world of traditional work until I become so dissatisfied and shrivelled inside that I explore my spirituality again, and on the circle goes. My ex-husband once asked me when would I be satisfied with my good enough career, my nice enough house, golf on Sunday and gardeners world on Friday? I ask myself the same. Why is that not enough? Why was that never enough? What is driving this inner search?
My partner now has dreams that are even bigger than mine, I sometimes think we facilitate each other in the ‘opportunity and potential’ to make a difference and live a huge life madness and that at some point, one of us needs to be sensible and ‘do the right thing’. Then as I shrink inside again, and I go back to searching for the graceful exit. It’s not financial or material (although that is included), it’s path and purpose and impact.
The last time I seriously researched taking my life, I convinced myself that I stopped because of my daughter, because of the trauma she would feel, but her beautiful heart cannot be my anchor. My own connection to my life force must be strong enough to want to stay. But really, is my disconnected self brave enough to act? And in that space, there is honesty, a rawness and a choice.
So, this time as the wheel turns again … Can I be so very human that I become divine? Can I live life itself as if it were a ceremony? In that ceremony, can I find balance and integrity between surviving, thriving and a path of impact and service? Can I choose to stay in the centred space in the middle of the chaos where there is innate peace, free from the tether of outcome?
The journey with this continues. The inner wound that encourages me to leave is quieter, but I suspect will always be there. I recently revisited my Soul Plan and was reminded about my worldly challenge and my spiritual talent, both the same energy, the two sides of the same coin. You can pop over to my website to learn more about the Soul Plan, suffice to say, all the above questions stem in part from that energetic inquiry of my soul, the question and the answer both contained within. The outcome, a continued journey, not an exit or a destination.
PS – I’ve used my own image in this post. Somehow it didn’t feel right to sit behind anything less personal xx
Sharyn-With-A-Why
To find out more about Sharyn, take a look at her profile in Practitioners Corner
